Indeed, the maelstrom of emotions unleashed in the wake of an affair can be so overwhelming that many psychologists turn to the field of trauma to explain the symptoms: obsessive rumination, hypervigilance, numbness and dissociation, inexplicable rages, uncontrollable panic. It is a shock that makes us question our past, our future, and even our very identity. And agony it is-infidelity today isn’t just a violation of trust it’s a shattering of the grand ambition of romantic love. Generally, there is much concern for the agony suffered by the betrayed. In contemporary discourse in the United States, affairs are primarily described in terms of the damage caused. Infidelity may be ubiquitous, but the way we make meaning of it-how we define it, experience it, and talk about it-is ultimately linked to the particular time and place where the drama unfolds. In Mexico, women I spoke with proudly see the rise of female affairs as a form of social rebellion against a chauvinistic culture that has long made room for men to have “two homes,” la casa grande y la casa chica-one for the family, and one for the mistress. In Bulgaria, a group of women I met seem to view their husbands’ philandering as unfortunate but inevitable. In Paris, the topic brings an immediate frisson to a dinner conversation, and I note how many people have been on both sides of the story. Around the globe, the responses I get when I mention infidelity range from bitter condemnation to resigned acceptance to cautious compassion to outright enthusiasm.

From Pittsburgh to Buenos Aires, Delhi to Paris, I have been conducting an open-ended survey about infidelity.Īdultery has existed since marriage was invented, yet this extremely common act remains poorly understood. And my conversations about affairs have not been confined within the cloistered walls of my therapy practice they’ve happened on airplanes, at dinner parties, at conferences, at the nail salon, with colleagues, with the cable guy, and of course, on social media. For years, I have worked as a therapist with hundreds of couples who have been shattered by infidelity.

Few events in the life of a couple, except illness and death, carry such devastating force. Check out more from this issue and find your next story to read.

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